


Cook Book

by eroticincubi



Series: Francis and Me [8]
Category: 2P Hetalia - Fandom
Genre: Blood, Dark Humor, Dinner Time, Fanfiction, Food, Gen, Gross, Humor, Misunderstandings, Reader Insert, cook book, halloween fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 05:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2535971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eroticincubi/pseuds/eroticincubi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's for dinner tonight?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cook Book

**Author's Note:**

> My first Halloween fic featuring the 2P!FACE family plus "you"! I started on this idea about a month ago and I'm glad that I was able to submit it before my deadline. *haha* "Deadline". ANyway I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> I don't own you or 2P!Hetalia. Kaya Jones belongs to Silver_KitsuneNeko, I only own the spelling/grammar mistakes.

It all began when Matt was having a hard time buttoning his jeans. 

The blond Canadian was currently lying on the edge of his bed as he struggled to button and zip up the wash worn levi's he loved ever so much.

"The fuck?!" he yelled and got up to look at himself in the mirror of his still open closet; the beginnings of a muffin top peeked from where his torso ended and his jeans began, "Hell no. I'm going to fucking kill her for this..."

The woman her was referring to was __________, their live in maid and cook. As of late the young woman's dishes have been becoming richer and richer and the two men she was living with had started to become heavier and heavier in particular around the middle.

Grabbing one of his many checkered shirts he puts it on quickly. He then felt the strain of the once loose fabric tighten over his shoulders and around the sleeves. Matthew felt his left eye twitch and had been about to call out __________'s name when he overheard her talking to someone in the kitchen; he stayed back deciding to listen in.

"Jesus Christ Kaya!" __________ hissed from the kitchen, "Couldn't you have cleaned it first before bringing it here? There's blood all over the floor and on my counter top! It's gonna take me forever to get the blood off of the linoleum, if at all..."

Huh?

"You said you wanted it fresh, so I delivered." the buxom woman replied in a matter of fact tone.

"I meant fresh as in it's ready for me to cook it! I don't have time for this... this..." __________ was struggling to find the appropriate word for the "thing" she was talking about with Kaya.

"Carcass?" Kaya suggested sardonically, to which __________ held up a hand then answered, "I was going to say "disaster" and besides "carcass" is a filthy word especially when it being referred to tonight's dinner."

"Heh you sound like Artie." 

Matt clapped a hand over his mouth. 

A dead body? Kaya brought __________ a dead body and __________ was going to COOK it?! He always did wonder where __________ purchased the meat they would have for dinner and now he knew.

"Never mind that! Kaya, I don't have time for it to drain completely!" there was a slight pause before __________ began to speak again, "Well... at least you chopped the limbs appropriately... where's the head?"

"It's in my truck, I wanted a trophy it was best dang hunt I've ever been on!"

"Glad you had fun..." now it was __________'s turn to sound sardonic, "Though seriously Kaya you could have been a butcher, these cuts are pretty clean, best I've ever seen."

"Thanks! Normally I use a meat cleaver but this time I had my machete!"

Oh God... Matthew decided he had heard enough and he slowly began to back himself up when his foot touched an uneven floor board which groaned under the weight of his foot.

"What was that?" Kaya's voice now sounded suspicious and Matthew could picture the two women looking toward the doorway.

"I don't know, it might be Matt," __________ suggested then calls out a little loudly, "Matt? Is that you?"

"I thought you said you were home alone?"

"I thought so too that's why I asked you to come over at this time. Matt?" __________ replied then called out the young man's name again.

"I better go, I don't want to go spoiling the surprise for tonight beside I can get a head's start on my new taxidermy project. Heh get it? "Head's start"?" Kaya was cracking herself up, __________ didn't seem to think it was funny. 

Matthew at this point stealthily jumps onto the carpet in the hallway and makes his way back into his room and closes the door quietly behind them.

Some time later after Kaya left and his father came home, Matthew approaches __________ who was still busy in the kitchen. It seemed that Artie, Kaya and even Al were going to head over to the house for dinner or at least that's what shit stain said via text.

As he approached the multitasking woman he could hear her gently humming a song under her breath, it sounded familiar but he was too busy being cautious of her to pay any attention to the song.

"So... what's on tonight's menu?" he finally asked and saw how startled __________ was by the way she jumped at the sound of his voice.

"Huh?" she now looked at him innocently before smiling up at him, "It's a surprise! And I had to call in a favor from a friend to get it for us!"

"What kind of meat is it?"

"I'm telling you it's a surprise Matt but I do hope you like roast! I'm making it with baby carrots, potatoes, turnips, parsnips and brussel sprouts!"

This bitch seemed too happy...

"Fine whatever," he shrugged and looks into the cookie jar to take a couple of the maple cookies __________ made earlier that week. 

"I also added a hint of maple to it!" she beamed then noticed that Matthew was eating some cookies, "Oh looks like I'll have to make more of those too, did you really like them?"

Matthew only grunts his reply as he bit into the maple leaf shaped cookie. 

With a satisfied nod __________ returned to her cooking and started humming her earlier song again, this time Matthew recognized the song and turned his attention to the woman at the stove who was making the gravy for the roast. His eyes grew huge just as __________ lifts the spoon to her mouth, gently blows over the steaming confection and tastes it. She licks her lips, looked thoughtful and added some more black pepper to the gravy.

"Try the priest..." 

Matt bolts out of the kitchen and into the living room where he found Francis on the couch napping. He proceeded to shake him awake. 

“Papa! Ils vont nous manger!” he said frantically while he continued shaking his father, his eyes widened with horror. 

“Quoi?” Francis grumbled while slivers of violet could be seen behind his partially open eyes. 

“Ils vont nous manger!” Francis sighed and groaned; his eyes closed once again. Whenever Matthew was frantic about something his French was very hard to understand, especially with his Canadian accent. 

“In English boy,” 

“They’re going to eat us!” 

“Who?”

“__________! She’s planning to fattening us up for her sinister meal tonight!” Francis snorts and rolls over.    
“You were having a nightmare,” 

“It wasn’t a nightmare! Wake up!” 

“It was a nightmare, there’s no real proof that she wants to do anything to us,” the older man spoke and waves a dismissive hand at his son.

“She hired Kaya to take us out!” Francis’s eyes snapped opened at that. 

Now that was a fucking serious accusation. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Kaya was here earlier taking about the best hunt she ever had and she had the head in the back of her pick up and that she was going to mount it on her wall! She’s going to do the same with us regardless of Artie’s nagging!”

“Fuck that! That fuckin’ Native woman isn’t going to gut me without a fight!” 

"Too right!"

"Wait a moment," Francis paused and stared at his son, "How do you know __________ hired the demon woman to kill us? I mean did you actually SEE a human body in the kitchen?"

"Well... no," Matthew admitted but there was still that nagging voice that sounded an awful lot like Artie whispering in his ear that _________ was out to get them, "but __________ was complaining that there was a lot of blood!"

"You were just in the kitchen with her a moment ago, were you not?"

"...Yes..."

"And did you see any blood?"

"No..."

Matthew had a bad feeling that he no longer had his father on his side with this.

“Listen I’m not making this shit up!” 

“Prove it or I’m going back to sleep,” Matthew pulled Francis off the couch and dragged him toward the kitchen. Francis sighed and takes out his packet of cigarettes from out of his pant's pocket, the lighter already in the carton, “This is getting old, Mathieu,” he grumbled then applied the end of the cigarette between his lips. 

"Oh!" __________ gasped as she sees both men, "Are you guys hungry already? Dinner won't be ready for another-- Matt what's wrong?" she asked as she watched the younger man's indigo colored eyes search for something around the linoleum floor.

Nothing. Not even a speck of red!

"Um Matt? Is something wrong?"

"What? No nothing, I thought I saw something...weird..." the young man said and turned to gaze at the woman slaving over the stove.

"Feh!" came Francis's retort while the smell of the cigarette now reaches __________'s nose; she waves him off. 

"Don't you smoke that in here!" she scolded while taking his cigarette and snuffs it out on an ash tray she had over the small counter top in the kitchen, "You might contaminate the food!"

"Sauf si c'est de la chair humaine ..." mumbled Matthew while __________ turns her attention to glare at him.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing."

__________ was about to say something else when the doorbell rang, "Oh gosh they're here! Matt go make yourself useful and take this into the living room," the young woman walked over the to the counter space and hands him a platter of pre-sliced cheese, meats and crackers, she then hands another platter with fruits and vegetables to Francis, "You too!" she then goes back muttering to herself while checking on the roast in the oven.

The Kirkland-Jones family was welcomed into the Bonnefoy house (or as welcomed as they could be) with warm hellos and nods of the head.

"What a wonderful smell!" Arthur said with a large smile on his face as he entered the kitchen to greet __________, "How are you dear? I can see everything is flowing along swimmingly!"

"Hey Artie! Yeah everything on schedule! I just hope it tastes as good as it smells!"

"I'm certain it will dear."

Artie was right. The roast was absolutely delicious. It was juicy, flavorful and almost everyone had a second helping. With the exception of Alfred who was a vegan and abhorred everything meat and Matthew who well, had his own agenda.

__________ heard the oven timer chime signaling that dessert was ready and just needed to cool. Excusing herself from the table she got up to check on the chocolate chip cookies that they were going to enjoy with some after dinner tea and coffee.

"I'm gonna prove all of you wrong," he grumbled and got up to investigate further for he still didn't trust her and he swore he could see his dinner pulsate. 

__________ had not noticed him for she had her back to him and that was when he saw it; her cook book: "How to Cook Men". This was it! This book was going to prove that he was right once and for all! 

The young man takes the book just as __________ was taking the cookies out of the oven. It was the sweet smell of the chocolate in the cookies that filled the air which caused Matthew to fight tooth and nail to quickly escape the sweetly scented room.

"Now what shithead?" Alfred rolled his eyes as he sees Matthew returning to the dining room.

"Still don't believe me, just look at this book that I found!" Matthew then holds up a red hardbound book with golden letters that read, 'How to Cook Men'.

"Mon Dieu, he's right!" Francis shouted as he dropped his fork, it was then that __________ came back into the dining room with dessert; chocolate chip cookies.

"Why has everyone stopped eating?" she asked curiously while looking at each of their faces then at Matt who held her book tightly in his hand, "Matt, what are you doing with my book?"

Matthew only stared at her stiffly his knuckles a deathly white from gripping the sides of her book.

"I don't know what you're trying to pull here ___________, but there is no way I am letting some female get the upper hand of me and my boy!" Francis growled at the young woman who had turned her attention to the man addressing her so rudely and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"I beg your pardon?!"

"Don't act so cute, Mathieu's discovered your book!"

__________ looks at the cover and makes a clicking sound with her tongue, "Oh for goodness sake! It's just an old cook book! And a little bit dirty... Ah there we go!" having rubbed some dirt and grit off the cover it now revealed the title, 'How to cook For Men'.

Everyone at the table now looked at ease until Matt looks at the book again, "Wait a minute... Aha!" the book now read, 'How to cook Forty Men'.

"Wait, there's still something stuck on the cover." __________ licked her thumb and rubs the smudge now showing the title of the book as, 'How to Cook for Forty Men'. It then dawned on her on what the two men were getting at, "Wait, let me get this straight: did you two think that this was all some sinister plot to fatten you up, kill you and sell your parts at a meat packing co?"

"Well I--" Francis began to say when __________ stamps her foot on the floor angrily.

"I can't believe you guys!" she huffed, looking from Francis to Matthew again.

"Then answer me this," Matthew started and drops the book on the table with a dull thud, "why were you making us eat all the time?"

"MAKE you eat?! I simply provide nothing but a sumptuous feast fit for two Kings every single frickin' night! And quite frankly the two of you make absolute pigs of yourselves!" she stops and shakes her head at them there were now tears in her eyes, "I slave in the kitchen for hours pouring my heart and soul into each dish for you people--!" she whimpers and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.

"___________..." now Matthew felt a little guilty, seeing by her reaction how upset he made her. 

"If your plan was to upset me well then mission accomplished. I HAVE FEELINGS TOO YOU KNOW?!" her voice trembled as she took the cookies back into the kitchen then headed out the porch door with them as well.

The room was now silent...

"Wow, you guys are assholes." Kaya said in a mater of fact tone then takes a bite of the meat, "Wow, best venison I ever ate! _________ really know how to cook it without making it taste dry or gamy!" 

~*~

After dinner, Artie had whipped up a quick dessert and Kaya had put on the kettle for tea. Alfred was in the living room playing on Matthew's PS3. Both Matthew and Francis had ventured out into the backyard (per Artie's nagging) to look for __________. Currently she was sitting in the hammock that Matthew had set up a few days ago.

"__________?"

"Fuck off I'm not in the mood."

"Can I have a cookie?"

"Aren't you worried I poisoned it or something?"

"Not anymore..."

"Okay for that I ain't giving you jack shit." she stuffed the whole cookie in her hand into mouth and chewed slowly, "Eef erf off youff!"

"You look like a chipmunk with your cheeks chuffed out like that." Matthew teased with a mean grin, __________'s rebuttal was half a peace sign from her position on the hammock.

"Well that was fucking rude..."

The young woman swallowed the cookie and glared at the two men, "You two accuse me of canabalism and I'M the one that fucking rude? Talk about getting your priorities mixed up." she then reaches for another cookie in her lap and deliberately bites into the soft sweet bread in front of them.

"Mathieu deeply regrets his accusations, I for one thought your meal was absolutely delicious." Francis' usually bored tone seemed to have a kindness somewhere, this slightly perked __________'s ego a little, that is until Matthew decided to correct his father.

"Oi! Don't go putting words into my fucking mouth old man!"

"Well it is your fault that we are in this mess to begin with." 

"I don't care anymore," __________ said loud enough for both Father and Son to stop arguing among each other and turned their heads to face her, "it was a stupid mistake to try and surprise you two with something special next time I won't bother trying to make you happy."

"_________..." Matthew murmured her name while Francis sat next to her and placed his arm around her, __________ didn't shrug him off, "__________?" the young man called her name a little louder than before when he saw his father reaching and taking a cookie from her lap.

"Shut up, have a cookie and sit down Mathieu," Francis grumbled then bites into the cookie silently.

Matthew sits on __________'s other side and takes a cookie from the tray in her lap then ate it silently. The three of them sat in silence for a while until the unexpected happened... the straps of the hammock snapped which caused the three of them to fall and land hard onto the ground.

"Ugh, I think you're right," __________ groaned and got up while rubbing the small of her back which was where she landed, "starting right now you two are on a diet," she then started shuffling her way back into the house, "Hey Alfred can you cook vegan stuff over here for the next three months or so?"

"Yeah, totally!"

"__________! What the fuck?!"

"...I think I preferred it more when you thought she was trying to eat us."

"Now that I think about it, I prefer that she did too." Matthew sighs sadly for he was not looking forward to the new vegan diet __________ was putting him on.

...


End file.
